your room smells of hookers.
And success
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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