the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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