I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize