A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Randomize
