I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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