he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
