When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
