I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
