I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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