She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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