how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
She made me pour olive oil on her.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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