Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
