I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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