don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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