yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
