She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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