You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I stole a fireplace last night.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
