The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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