I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
