barbara walters just said penis...
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I love you. Go after that dick
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize