I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
