She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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