oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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