Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Couch. On fire.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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