can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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