she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
