I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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