Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
we're making bets on your personal life
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
