ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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