I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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