paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize