Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
