Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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