Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Drunk is not a location!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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