my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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