Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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