Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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