Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
