She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Found your dick twin last night
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
