She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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