Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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