Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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