Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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