things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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