Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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