im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
