all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
