Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
