Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
