theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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