Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
