Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
