dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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