Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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