And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
