I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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