i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize