I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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