apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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