she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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