Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
