Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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